Glass Houses

      I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. There are days when I'm not even my own cup of tea. I focus on the belief that everyone has character flaws. Everyone has something that is annoying about their character. Or, maybe not annoying, but it's something that would bother someone else. So, I try hard to treat everyone fairly and without judgment. I try to remember that I myself am not perfect and that there are things about me that annoy others as well. And that I'm just blessed and thankful to have the amazing people I do have in my life and for everything that the good Lord has blessed me with. 

      This week however, was particularly rough. My character, me as a person was viciously attacked, not once, not twice, but THREE times on Tuesday. Two of the attacks were in private, but one was through social media. That's the one that hurt the most. Not because it was out there for the whole world to see, but because it was particularly hurtful. It was a day where I seriously contemplated driving my jeep off the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and ending my existence. Whether you cheer or sneer at that last statement is precisely what I'm talking about. And for those of you that cheered, I'm super sorry to disappoint you, but I'm still here. A little worse for wear, but still kicking. And sad that the thought even crossed my mind. Why am I not worthy?

      Well, in the depths of attack I learned a couple of things. The first one, is I really need to stop putting myself down and opening up that ridicule for someone to glom onto. I unfairly called me and my family "pieces of shit" because someone was hurt that I didn't do something they expected of me. And while I'm not going to defend or argue what went down what I will say is that by demeaning myself and my family, this person used it as validation for their feelings towards us. Used it as a weapon not only against me, but to solidify the belief in their heart and mind that I was not worthy of respect, that this indiscretion was the worst thing I could ever have done to them, and that even I believe my family and myself are the lowest of the low. It was later that when the third attack on my character was in the heated throws of argument, it reminded me that I wasn't fair or right to demean me or my family. I hurt the very person who has been by my side for over twenty years with that statement. That reminder resonated with me and we are not "pieces of shit" and that I should stop calling such things. 

      They were right. I shouldn't have said what I said about my family. The fact is, that while flawed we are not terrible people. Actually, we are pretty good people. We are helpful, appreciative, caring, giving, fun people! Who are also flawed humans, just like everyone else. We did not deserve that attack and it would behoove people to remember that if you are upset with someone, or if you have an expectation of someone, maybe you should share that with them? I think we as humans think that if you yourself think or feel someway, then everyone thinks or feels this way. That somehow the other person should know that something is bothering them, or that they are in some way hurting you. But instead, we get angry, we attack, we make accusations, and we put our beliefs of that person's character on them leaving them confused and upset about who they are and questioning their very existence. I mean, if I'm such a horrible person, why should I be allowed to live?  

      The fact is that anyone could easily attack back and start slamming out all the things about the attacker that they don't like. What they do with their private life that you don't agree with or decisions they make that may not follow how you would handle the situation. A person could easily start a huge brawl on social media with an epitaph of all the things wrong with the person who attacked them, however; you let it go because you value the relationship more. Gaining the knowledge that person was harboring all this illness towards you. Remembering all the times you made excuses for their behavior, you forgave them, you explained it away to yourself and others you did that for them. Yet, they couldn't or wouldn't do that for you. And now you are ashamed for not sticking up for yourself sooner or ashamed for the things you've done wrong. For the times that person saw you at your lowest and is now holding that very thing against you. You chide yourself for being so stupid and the thoughts creep in. What if it is just me? What if I am just an asshole? What if I really am a piece of shit?

      Now, this all takes place with an earlier attack, and then to have the one person in your life who is supposed to have you back, be so angry with you that they tell you not to come home because they are sick of your negativity. You become worthless, hopeless, helpless. With a day that consisted of so much negativity I sat down and really thought about how to handle these situations better. Not to rain down so much hatred towards myself. I spent time convincing my other half that the person who attacked me has issues of their own and that it's not fair for me to hold animosity towards the things they said to me. That I'm not perfect, and neither are they. I thought about how I could better react to things at work that would put my face in the limelight again and not hold this black cloud over my head. Maybe, if I changed this or that about myself, I could be a better person. Isn't that growth? Isn't that how we grow as humans? If you aren't taking those things to heart and really taking the time to dig deep into your soul does that make you a bad person? 

       My point in this diatribe is that we all have flaws. And before you start throwing stones you best believe you have flaws too. There are things about you that the people in your life overlook because they care about who you are more than what that thing might be that irritates or annoys. They take the time and effort to defend you and your honor.   They point it out and say just they are still a good person in need of love and understanding and it's not fair to pass judgment on them when we are all flawed. You are flawed. Beautifully, undeniably flawed. A disaster of epic proportions. But you know what? You are also a person worthy of love, understanding, friendship, and compassion. You are not a "piece of shit." You are as you always will be... Human...