Holiday Depression

It's that time of year again. The hustle and bustle of the holidays, and me without my happy pills. I find that this time every year I get this spout of "can't do anything rightis.." I find myself questioning all decisions made over the past year, the choices throughout my life, and myself as a wife, mother, and friend. I find myself degrading my abilities to keep the house clean, the finances in order, and my family happy. It's as though the holidays which are suppose to bring out the best in people, really brings out the neurosis in me. There is never enough time, enough money, and enough wisdom to get through the holidays. There is so much to prepare for, so much to do, and it's frustrating when your house looks like a tornado when through it, and you can't get organized enough to get your decorations out. The holidays are always the time when I really wish I was a stay-at-home mom, just so I can get everything done, and not worry about how to do it all after work.

This year I'm feeling particularly sad as we had to take our impromptu trip to PA to see Mike's mother who was burned badly in a fire. When I got back I realized all the things I didn't get done and then that weight began to burden me. And now, we have to worry of his mom. I've noticed my sleep patterns have been bad, I keep getting heartburn constantly, and my emotions have been rampant. I am not a crier but lately feel as though I could cry at the drop of a hat. When will I get it together, when will organization fall on to me and I can know where to begin and how to do it all without battling in out with my family.

I want a clean house, I want to be able to wake up in the morning and get to work on time, without all the stress, I want to do things at the drop of a hat without the worry of what I didn't get done and will we be able to find the things we need to do it. I need a fairy to come into my life, I need motivation and energy. Energy, that's what I'm lacking, and I can't figure out why I'm so tired all the time. I'm tired of being tired, tired of being stressed, tired of being dis-organized, tired of being over-weight, and tired of letting this weight control my life. Where did it all go wrong? Where did I slip and never get back up again? Who all suffers for my exhaustion, is this the reason my daughter fails school because of my dis-organization, the reason my son is over-weight is because of me? My husband is angry all the time because of what I don't/can't do?

I just want to feel better. I want to be one of those skinny moms who has it all together, clean house, perfect kids, adoring husband, smile on their face. I'm tired of being the disheveled, stressed out, dis-organized mother that my children loath. My husband can't handle being around, I need to make changes only I don't know where to begin. I pray, and pray for guidance and strength to get my family through all this, I pray and pray to feel better, to lose weight and have given my finances to the Lord knowing that I can not control all things and he will do it for me. But the things I need to be in charge of, I haven't been able to do. Why? What is wrong with me?