It seems that as I get older I still find a lot of that teenage insecurity within myself. It's like a warm blanket on a cold day. You curl up and wrap yourself in it, it keeps you safe and warm, you understand it, it's comfortable, it's real. It's safer than trying to understand people. People are unstable, unpredictable, unreadable, but most of all, insecure. When their insecurities play with your insecurities it's volatile. What happens next becomes attitude and who is more polite.
Recently I asked my husband, "What is it about me that sets people off?" His reply was that he didn't know, and I got to thinking about the people around me I see in my life routinely and wonder why they AVOID me at all costs. Is it my appearance? I'm overweight, my face still breaks out like a hormonal teenager, I have never been a big make-up wearer so I'm usually o'naturale, I am mostly in my work clothes (business like) and my hair is wash and wear, but it's naturally curly so I don't have to do much with it. I have been told before that I am fairly bold and speak my mind, I sometimes don't have an off switch but I'm me, why should I be anything other than me.
Some of the other moms on my daughters soccer team seem to avoid me like the plague, like I don't exist, like I'm not worthy of their words. I offer to help, offer conversation, I'm polite, I cheer for the team, but they seem like they can't be bothered with me. It is very frustrating. They are not any better than I am. Most of their husbands are the same rank as mine, they may be a few years older than I am but not by much. I'm not sure what the deal is. And again, why do I have to change who I am?
Why is it that when someone looks at me, they automatically go, I don't like this person. Was it something they maybe heard about me from someone else? Do they forget the rule of two sides to every story. Along with my boldness and lack of inner monologue I have been known to blow up a time or two at injustices to myself or my family, does that make me a bad person? Or someone who cares passionately about her family, to let people know that she is done with whatever they are doing to hurt them in whatever way. I decided a very long time ago, that I was no longer going to be that shy girl who never took any chances or did anything, and I was NEVER going to let ANYONE push me around EVER again.
Or is it all in my head? Am I really just that crazy that I think everyone hates me and everyone is out to get me? Am I that unstable that the strange looks and total avoidance of woman my age has driven me mad for answers to a question that does not exist? What would cause such paranoia? I have a friend that talks bad about her other friend all the time to me, I would assume she is doing the same about me when she is with that friend. Is it my worry or lack of trust in my own head that causes me to think this? Or is it that I really should not/do not trust this person.
And the reality of it all is why are we always judging? Why are we so unforgiving? Even if the neighbor who practically destroyed my life were to walk up to me today and say "I need your help." I would totally help her. Am I that naive? Am I that stupid? Why does it frustrate me so?
I went on a mission about a year ago to start falling out of society. I had pulled myself too thin. I was doing too much and trying to keep too many people happy and neglected myself and my family. I became very aware of my need to re-align my life and so set out to do so. I didn't purposefully start severing relationships. I made my family and my house my main priority. And I still can't seem to get that right.
So what is so unlikable about me? What sets me apart from others that seem to just mold into a crowd? Why do they set out to avoid me, especially when their kids are friends with my daughter? I'm not asking for friendships here, just civil conversation. Don't stick your nose up at me and act like you are better, you are not. We all have demons, I face mine daily, when will you face yours?
